Cruel Fate
by Xany Kaos
Summary: Toad finds an audience and discusses the most unkind card that Fate has dealt him. Sillyfic. VERY sillyfic.


Sillyfic, definitely. Post X1 Mortie, finds a ""willing"" ear to bend, and talks rather pleasantly about a few things that bug him. Mortie and X-men are ©Marvel. I really apologize for this. Stupidity at it''s best. Or worst. ^_^

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Cruel Fate

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Nice night, isn't it? Oh, don't bloody look at me like that; it's a gorgeous night. Oh, sure, you think you've got the worst life in the world, don't you. Stuck here with some stinkin' mutie who's just gonna rabbit on and on. Talk your ear off, mate, that's prolly what I'll do.

At least, you'd better hope I just "talk" it off.

What, you fell for that? I may a green freak--hm? Yah, green. Light's not too good here. As I guess you've found out. Heh. Anyway, I may be a green freak, but I'm not a bloody canniable.

I hate this whole waiting thing, don't you? Just nod your head. But hell, at least I've got someone to talk to this time. Most of the time I just end up muttering to myself like a complete nutter. I don't talk much with the others, y'know, and sometimes ya just need ta talk. Unload or something. And ya need at have a person ta listen to ya.

Lucky you.

Honestly, I think God had a laugh when he created me. I mean, look at me. Yah, freaky, isn't it? But, y'know, that's not the worst. I mean, sure, I scare small children and all that, but the rest of my mutation makes up for it. For example--and I'm sure you've noticed--I'm just a little bit stronger than most of you humans. 'Course, that could just be years of training, but then again, I'm sure *you've* had years of training, and look at you.

Oh, don't glare at me, mate, I'm just takin' the piss outta ya. It's true, though.

No, I think the worst thing I got was my bloody name. Both of 'em, really. Oh, that's right, I haven't formally introduced meself, have I? Name's Mortimer Toynbee, currently known to all and sundry as the Toad. Please ta meetcha, though I'm sure the feeling's not mutual.

But ya see my point, dontcha? I mean, "Toad?" What the hell kind of a bloody code-name is that? Y'think *I* picked it? Not on your life. Guess you could say you gave it to me, really. You and people like you, normal humans who can't look at anyone different without thinking of how to classify them to make y'selves feel better. Like calling me Toad made me less than the rest of you. Ah well, it's my name now. But it's still unfair. The rest of the Brotherhood--oh, that'd be my little posse-- yeah, well, they have these cool names. Like "Sabertooth." Man, I could get into a name like that, y'know? SssAber-tooth! See? Intimidating. Toad, on the other hand--well, who the bloody hell's gonna be scared of a guy named Toad? No one, that's who. Leastways, not until after I've kicked a coupla holes in the walls.

Yah, I can do that. Wanna see?

Ah, prolly not a good idea anyway. 'M supposed ta be kinda discreet here.

But even before I was the Toad--although, now that I think about it, there really wasn't a "before" so to speak. But you know what I'm saying. Anyway, back when I was a kid, I still had to deal with a name like Mortimer Toynbee.

Mortimer. Bloody. Toynbee. Who th' hell does that to their kid? I don't know one person on Earth who deserves that, except maybe that "Ima Hogg" lady, if only because it'd be an improvement. I don't care if my kid turned out blue with a tail or something. I wouldn't saddle him with a name like Mortimer.

I hated it growing up. Sounds so lame, y'know? But then I found out that "Mort" means "Death" in Latin or something. So that was all right. I mean, you're still not gonna strike much terror in the hearts of you enemies goin' around sayin' "Fear me, for I am MORT!" in a creepy voice an' all. But at least you know what it means. Gives ya a little something, I guess. An edge, y'know.

Nah, the real problem is Toynbee. Nothin' wrong with it, really. Fine old English name, I guess. But then, so is Ladd or Parks. But see, what makes Toynbee such a hell of a last name is something else you humans do. I'd almost think you did it to make my life miserable, except for it effects the rest of you too.

Alpha-bloody-betical order.

It's a pain. Even if my mutation wasn't against me, growin' up, my name was. Last called for everything: meals, clothes, school--course I wasn't at school all that long. But it's really not fair that everyone with a last name from the back end of the alphabet gets screwed over every time. I always kinda thought that maybe once in a while, they'd do, I dunno, *reverse* alphabetical order or something. 'Course, with my luck, it'd be for something really unpleasant, like latrine duty.

But you know what I'm sayin, don't ya? What's your name? Upton. Well, then hell, you know all about this. It's a real pisser, ain't it? Bet you were always the last one to get assigned to your post, and you always ended up with the crappy ones. Hell, it's probably why you're here tonight. Lucky you again.

Oh, look, there's the signal. Well...sorry 'bout this, mate, but it looks like our little chat's gonna hafta start wrapping up. The boss don''t want any survivors.

Oh for the love of...Do you have any idea how bloody silly you look trying to hop away? You've had a bloody half hour, and you haven't even managed to *loosen* your ropes? What are they teaching at the Academy these days?

Look, just hold still. I''m good at what I do. It won't take long. Won't hurt a bit, either. I promise.

Heh. I lied.

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I don''t know where this came from, but having a last name that starts with T, I can relate……though I honestly doubt Mortie''s ever had any real problems about that. Still, I''m moving back to Mortie!Fics. Huzzah.


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